IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (Dedicated to Kate, Pip and Victoria)
This morning a dear friend sent me a photo of herself, alone in the wild landscape where she lives and I thought, yes, I want that, now.
I had woken up intensely disliking my husband. When we all first went into lockdown, those of us with good mates/partners/spouses, counted ourselves lucky. How awful, we thought, to be alone at a time like this. But one of the many things that our current isolation is making us realize is that we’re always alone. By that I mean that whoever we are, wherever we come from, whatever we do, dream, think, question, expect, believe, is our own reality and ours alone.
Reality now is disorienting, filled with fear and uncertainty, so most of the time the feeling that we’re all in this together is comforting. While it is true that we are all living through a pandemic we are also coming up against ourselves in ways that are not always pleasant. We talk a lot about how crisis offers opportunity and most of the time we are referring to how we can improve the planet. So I was heartened to recently read an article in The Guardian about mayors from 40 cities coming together virtually to discuss how they can redesign their cities toward green energy and sustainability. Here is the link:
Most of us would like to change the world for the better now that we know what does and doesn’t work well for our planet. But perhaps we need first to look at what does and doesn't work well in our individual lives. For example, I’m deeply disappointed that I’m not taking this time be more creative. I started a novel two weeks ago, wrote for two days and then stopped. I started drawing again, made two drawings and stopped. I’d like to blame this on the pandemic, but in fact this a tendency of mine for as long as I can remember.
Like many of you I daily receive inspiring or hilarious videos of people finding ways to be creative in spite of their isolation. I admire every single one of them and am grateful for the moments of joy and laughter they bring. Yet at the same time these examples of fortitude make me feel inadequate and that, I realize, is something worth changing. Of course, realization is one thing, but doing something about it is quite another. So much more convenient to dislike my husband for not being the playmate I want right now. I mean, really, if no-one will rescue you from yourself you may as well be on your own, right?
The inconvenient truth is I have to be my own mayor right now. I need to widen my sidewalk and diminish the pollution of my creative spirit that self-denigration causes; behavior which stops me from acting on my creative impulses. Because really, who wants to be in psychic lockdown while in physical lockdown? Fortunately nearby friends rescued us today, inviting us to come over for tea in their garden where we could be adequately distanced. On the way there we saw a mother and her young son in their driveway making a papier-mâché house. “You two look like you’re having fun,” I called out. “We are,” they replied. To which I blurted out, “I’m not finding my husband much fun at the moment.” The mother laughed, “Mine isn’t either.” I wished I had a young child to play with.
Now I realize not only do I have to be my own mayor, I have to be my own child; the one that plays well alone. The one that lets go of the constant message I received when I actually was a child: the message being that I was inadequate. I thought about my friend in the photo, alone in the middle of nowhere having fun: no spouse, partner, child, no excuses, just her choosing how she wants to be.
A lot of choice has been taken from us for now and we all feel we are in the middle of nowhere. The opportunity this gives us is to take a good look at ourselves and decide what we want to leave behind, how we want to be in the moment, and how we can contribute to a better future. Whether or not we take this opportunity is up to each of us ….alone. One thing is for sure: the more of us who choose to take stock of ourselves now, the more we will create somewhere we want to be in the middle of.
I’m making a papier-mâché votive holder today.
And here is a rose from my friend Pip's garden
I leave you with this song:
https://www.alanmageefilm.com/singinginthedarktimes
Be well, be safe, be strong,
With love,
Maggie
