THE FULLNESS OF BEING
I had the best intentions when, at the beginning of this year, I said that I was aiming to write an essay a month for this blog. Now, here we are, about to enter June and this is only essay number two. I think it was John Lennon who said, and I paraphrase, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making plans.” Well, we’ve certainly had our share of thwarted plans recently.
The washing machine flooding the kitchen floor, followed by Joel breaking, then losing one of his front teeth delayed our long-planned trip to Málaga by 2 days. It was then further delayed by 2 hours when we finally made it to the airport…only to be aborted all together after boarding the plane. Likewise, my plan to hold my second Open Studio was cancelled due to it coinciding with half-term, a UK week-long school break that sees a max exodus from London.
Like many people, I find a prolonged string of Murphy’s Law to be discombobulating and rather depressing and tend to deal with it by binge watching something until I’m able to arise from the ashes once more. In this case, the arrival of the clay court tennis season gave me days of distraction as I watched supreme athletes win and lose at a sport they’ve dedicated their live to.
I’ve often envied people, my husband included, who discover at a young age the “thing” they want to spend their lives engaged in and perfecting. Having grown up with the implicit warning of “Jack of all trades; Master of none,” I’ve spent much of my life trying to choose between painting, writing, and music. Having bought into the judgement that moving between one medium and the next was either dilettantism or self-sabotage either of which would result in my never digging deep enough to become the real thing. I so bought into this that when I began studying for my MFA in Creative Writing some 30 plus years ago, I packed away my art supplies and had my piano removed. It is only recently, literally in the last few weeks, that I have come to realise that by going along with that childhood admonition I have packed away essential parts of myself and in so doing have put pressure on myself to become “successful” at one thing.
What ridiculous dogmas we unquestioningly believe during the course of our lives. Obviously, if we choose one thing and stick with it we will possibly become a Master. But what’s wrong with being a Jack? Life is not so simple for most of us; very few of us get a calling and those that do often follow it at the cost of not developing other parts of themselves.
One of the great gifts of ageing is letting go of ambition. This doesn’t mean giving up. Rather it is an opportunity to give in and enjoy the fullness of oneself. And so it is, at this ripe age, that I am painting, and studying piano and continuing to write a novel I started 4 years ago and then put aside. I do realise that engaging in all of these practices may well mean I will not achieve success in any of them, but frankly I don’t give a toss. The drive and ambition for success is not only best left to the young, but is, even if achieved, fleeting. Just ask those tennis players.
Life is hard enough that surely we deserve to enjoy ourselves as much as possible. Think about phrase: enjoy our/selves. It has naught to do with consumerism or success, but rather in discovering the essence of who we are and embracing the fullness of what gives us pleasure, be it knitting, jigsaw puzzles, gardening or writing a novel….or any combination thereof.
We can plan all we want but we can’t plan the outcome. So why not let go of the hoped-for end result and treat ourselves to who we are today.
With love,
Maggie
